I was blind, but now I see...

Have you ever had an out of body experience where you suddenly see the world from a different vantage point?  It's like somehow, you are transported outside of your body, and all your thoughts, values, preconceived ideas - they are all left behind.  And somehow you are just able to view a situation without prejudice, or any assumptions at all.  In these salient moments, it's like the veil is lifted or your eyes are suddenly opened for the first time.

I had that experience the other day.  It was absolutely surreal.  It also broke my heart and shook my faith right to it's core.

It wasn't a dramatic moment at all.  Kiefer was playing with Paul in our bed.  They were snuggling and giggling and making jokes.  To be honest, it was a typical Saturday afternoon in our house.

"Please, you tickle me under (Kiefer points to his arm pits)...NO!!!  Daddy  - snort - giggle - DADDY STOP" he musters through laughing.

I don't know why but in that moment I looked at Kiefer and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

My son has special needs.  My son is different from everyone else in his grade.  

Of course I know that he has special needs.  Of course I know we visit the pediatric neurologist once every six months.  I know that we give him "brain altering" (as they explained it to us) medication three times daily.  I know that he doesn't talk the same.  I know that he doesn't act his age.  I KNOW all these things.  But somehow they didn't ever all add up to him being completely different.  He was just a little delayed.  Or he'll get the speech eventually.  So he can't draw as good as his classmates.  I just always thought, he will eventually catch up.  He will eventually heal.  He will eventually grow out of these seizures.  

Individually, all these things were minor differences between him and his classmates.  

But as I listened to him giggle and leave out a preposition as he spoke, all of the sudden all the differences added themselves together and the sum equaled a boy who was different.  

Do you know what I remember about the kids who had special needs from when I was young?  We ignored them.  And ignoring them was the nice thing to do.  Others teased them.  They didn't have friends.  Oh sure, people were friendly to them, but they didn't have a tribe that they associated with day in and day out.  They were loners.  They ate alone and talked to very few people.  They talked when they were talked to.  They didn't get invited to birthday parties or end of school year pool parties, and they didn't go to prom.  They were the misfits that the student body, largely, tried to forget.  

And all of the sudden, this realization came crashing in, flooding my brain like a tidal wave and there was nothing that could stop it.  

My boy is different.  The kind of different people don't like.  The kind of different they don't welcome in.  The kind of different that won't ever catch up.  The kind of different that won't ever heal.  The kind of different - that one day he will wake up and realize he is.  

And I just hugged him.  Tight.  Wanting to make up for all that he will miss out on in life in one big squeezy hug.  

The thing that you don't see, is that I DO like my son.  I do like spending time with him.  He IS different, but he is funny, and caring and courageous and has taught me more about life and how to love unconditionally than anyone else ever has.  He has a heart as big as the ocean.  He knows more about dinosaurs than anyone I have ever met!  He wants the world to be happy and he leaves out NO ONE.   Kiefer brings so much to my life, I could never even hope to capture how much better my life is in words.  He opens my eyes to the tiny things, he brings compassion to our lives, he brings so much love.  

I wish I could go back in time and sit down with one of those kids.  I'd have lunch with them.  I'd share my snacks.  I'd invite them over to my house.  I would be their friend.  Because you know why?  

Not because they needed me.  

Because I needed them.  

💕

What would you ask God?

Christmas break is coming to a close - and while I have cherished the time I have been able to spend with the boys, there has been a lot of fighting between the boys, they are all getting cabin fever and school will be a welcome relief to the whim of being on 'vacation'.

We decided to go to Vaughan Mills Mall tonight so the kids could spend the money Grandma and Grandpa gave them under the Christmas tree.  Of course, we had to hit the best Lego store so off we went.  Kiefer, who's very choosy when it comes to toys, actually found a super villain toy that he LOVES and can't wait to play with - so that was an added bonus.  After the mall, we went to visit Daddy at his work and have dinner at the neighboring mall.  We enjoyed food court dinner (everyone gets exactly what they want) and then watched a show at work on the BIG screen.

On the way home the kids chatted happily about what they were going to do with their new sets and how they were excited to call Grandma and Grandpa and tell them how they had spent the money.

Then, out of the blue, Parker asked me, "Mom, if you could ask God one question what would it be?"  I immediately knew my question - but it was too personal to share.  Then he continued, "Actually, if you could talk to him for 10 minutes and talk about, or ask whatever you wanted, what would you talk about?"

That made me think deeper.  I knew exactly what my first question would be.

"Kiefer.  All his struggles.  WHY?"

The thought almost instantly brought me to tears.  He is an amazing boy who loves to love.  He is concerned with EVERYONE'S happiness.  And his latest request at his last doctors appointment broke my heart.

"Dr. Langburt, please I ask you a question?"

"Sure buddy.  What's up?"

"Please you take my seizures away"

COMPOSE YOURSELF MOM!!!  I could feel my heart instantly breaking into a million pieces but he's looking at the doctor and ME for an answer.   The doctor looked at me helplessly.  This extremely educated pediatric neurologist is lost for words by the question of a 9 year old!  I quickly jump in.

"Well that's why we're here sweetie.  Dr. Langburt is doing everything he knows how to help you get rid of them."

"Maybe you need to ask a friend" Kiefer replies.

Dr. Langburt lets out a little laugh - a pretty big deal for this stoic doctor.

"That's a good idea Kiefer.  I'm going to talk to some of my friends about you."

So that's it.  That would be my one question if I had the chance.

Why God? Why make this lovely, innocent, caring bundle of love suffer?  What purpose does it serve?  What lessons are we or Kiefer supposed to learn from it?  How does this help us grow??

Parker and Blaine talked about their questions.  Parker wanted to know if we were alone in the universe.  (That's a good one)  Blaine wanted to know if he was going to be rich when he grew up.  Parker wanted to know what heaven was like.  Blaine wanted to know if reincarnation was really a thing.

Me, I kept quiet while I pondered it all.

What would I talk to God about for 10 minutes.

Parker talked about being scared to go to heaven because it was so long.

"Like we'll be there forever.  Like billions of years but we're only here for like a hundred - if we're lucky!  What are we going to do in heaven for a billion years?!"

And then I thought of a few.

What's the point?  Regardless of what you believe in...heaven, hell, reincarnation whatever.

What is the point of being here?  What is the meaning of our ever so short lives in the comparison of the grand scheme of things?  Parker is right.  100 years seems so insignificant.  So what's the point?

Then I thought back to Kiefer and his enormous heart.

And almost as I was thinking it, Kiefer spoke up.

"God just wants you be kind ... love people.  You be kind, you go to heaven and be happy.  You be happy here, you be happy there (heaven).  That's it.  That's all God wants."

It's kind of odd, but I honestly think he nailed it.

From the mouths of babes.

💗