I was blind, but now I see...

Have you ever had an out of body experience where you suddenly see the world from a different vantage point?  It's like somehow, you are transported outside of your body, and all your thoughts, values, preconceived ideas - they are all left behind.  And somehow you are just able to view a situation without prejudice, or any assumptions at all.  In these salient moments, it's like the veil is lifted or your eyes are suddenly opened for the first time.

I had that experience the other day.  It was absolutely surreal.  It also broke my heart and shook my faith right to it's core.

It wasn't a dramatic moment at all.  Kiefer was playing with Paul in our bed.  They were snuggling and giggling and making jokes.  To be honest, it was a typical Saturday afternoon in our house.

"Please, you tickle me under (Kiefer points to his arm pits)...NO!!!  Daddy  - snort - giggle - DADDY STOP" he musters through laughing.

I don't know why but in that moment I looked at Kiefer and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

My son has special needs.  My son is different from everyone else in his grade.  

Of course I know that he has special needs.  Of course I know we visit the pediatric neurologist once every six months.  I know that we give him "brain altering" (as they explained it to us) medication three times daily.  I know that he doesn't talk the same.  I know that he doesn't act his age.  I KNOW all these things.  But somehow they didn't ever all add up to him being completely different.  He was just a little delayed.  Or he'll get the speech eventually.  So he can't draw as good as his classmates.  I just always thought, he will eventually catch up.  He will eventually heal.  He will eventually grow out of these seizures.  

Individually, all these things were minor differences between him and his classmates.  

But as I listened to him giggle and leave out a preposition as he spoke, all of the sudden all the differences added themselves together and the sum equaled a boy who was different.  

Do you know what I remember about the kids who had special needs from when I was young?  We ignored them.  And ignoring them was the nice thing to do.  Others teased them.  They didn't have friends.  Oh sure, people were friendly to them, but they didn't have a tribe that they associated with day in and day out.  They were loners.  They ate alone and talked to very few people.  They talked when they were talked to.  They didn't get invited to birthday parties or end of school year pool parties, and they didn't go to prom.  They were the misfits that the student body, largely, tried to forget.  

And all of the sudden, this realization came crashing in, flooding my brain like a tidal wave and there was nothing that could stop it.  

My boy is different.  The kind of different people don't like.  The kind of different they don't welcome in.  The kind of different that won't ever catch up.  The kind of different that won't ever heal.  The kind of different - that one day he will wake up and realize he is.  

And I just hugged him.  Tight.  Wanting to make up for all that he will miss out on in life in one big squeezy hug.  

The thing that you don't see, is that I DO like my son.  I do like spending time with him.  He IS different, but he is funny, and caring and courageous and has taught me more about life and how to love unconditionally than anyone else ever has.  He has a heart as big as the ocean.  He knows more about dinosaurs than anyone I have ever met!  He wants the world to be happy and he leaves out NO ONE.   Kiefer brings so much to my life, I could never even hope to capture how much better my life is in words.  He opens my eyes to the tiny things, he brings compassion to our lives, he brings so much love.  

I wish I could go back in time and sit down with one of those kids.  I'd have lunch with them.  I'd share my snacks.  I'd invite them over to my house.  I would be their friend.  Because you know why?  

Not because they needed me.  

Because I needed them.  

💕